| bye for now |
[10 Dec 2009|01:02am] |
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music |
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jesus, etc. - wilco |
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someday things will change for us.
somewhere in my heart i can save a place for being in love with you.
i will try my best.
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| you |
[13 Oct 2009|06:16pm] |
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you are warm
in a cold world
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| lonely planet |
[27 Jul 2009|10:57pm] |
there's a buzz in the air that seems to be getting louder.
i hate this feeling; like everything is so empty and brittle and breakable. there's nothing to be done about it, it's just the world you happen to inhabit.
why do i still think about certain people? i just want to reach them somehow, sometimes. there's no way. that's why i think of them. there was no closure.
i'm questioning all of my memories. i think i'm so sharp, but things bleed together.
i feel lonely in this house. would i feel more alone if someone else were here?
i hate this feeling; like nothing's ever gonna fill me up.
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| same old |
[20 Jul 2009|09:09am] |
why am i sad? nothing is a cure-all.
look at me, not going to class. all morose and dejected for whatever reason. i didn't do my work. i had bad dreams about rainy weather, and failing at things.
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| requited |
[17 Jul 2009|08:55pm] |
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music |
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i fought in a war |
] |
it was a warm day spent in bed. that's the way this summer seems to be going.
i don't know just how to feel.
on the bus ride to school it's almost always sunny and i watch the sidewalks and gardens and street signs and pavement and mailboxes go by. i like to imagine what might have once been there. we stop in front of a swarm of gnats and i imagine forest and streams and hills and open spaces. the big houses coming up from the space that was once an empty lot by the mall make me feel a funny mix of hope and awe and guilt.
i guess i'm just silly.
i still like my alone time. that's all i want at the moment.
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[12 Jul 2009|05:28pm] |
well i hope when you find what you're looking for that you're not too blind to see it.
and i hope when they open your prison cell that you're not too afraid to flee it.
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[01 Jun 2009|11:20am] |
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help
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| change myself |
[20 Apr 2009|09:13pm] |
i had a nightmare about a girl with dirty blonde hair in black stockings getting stabbed. she was climbing over something white, like a propane tank, and her stockinged legs and feet were slipping. she was in between floors. her husband found her between two doorways, her ghost let him in. there was a strange world with funny roads, and shade from big trees. other dreams mixed together.
i had a dream that my teeth were falling out, i just remembered. i woke up cold, but felt hot inside. in the muddle of half consciousness, i felt that this dream had some kind of significance.
but doesn't everyone feel that way about those dreams?
jarring nightmares, those are.
when i woke up, it was like hypoxia. like i'd broken free, into some unknown haze.
and then i was hit with this dreadful feeling that i was completely alone in the world. and i didn't know if anyone felt the same way. and what's worse, i don't believe anyone cares.
at least, no one notices.
maybe everyone feels that way.
today was sunny and warm. i didn't shave my legs and i did not dress appropriately.
it was busy and caroline was home sick watching judge judy.
people came and came. i smiled warmly and anticipated something warm back. i can't imagine what they see in me.
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| a frightening array of problems |
[19 Apr 2009|05:37pm] |
for everyone.
i'm one of em. one of the everyone.
dark and gloomy.
but it's sunny outside. i took the trash out. three bags of dirty, smelly, dusty junk that was all produced by me. sent off to some pit, far away.
i've been sitting on the couch watching tv for hours. i've got a headache. i missed deirdre and eileen's whole visit for no reason.
i shouldn't be alone.
i'm looking at the phone. but it all seems unpleasant. or, i don't have the energy.
i feel like drinking. no i don't. i just don't feel like being here. in my life, i mean.
i really do hate you.
no, i don't. i just wish you'd go away.
i wish i never saw you.
it's my own fault.
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| safe in your shell |
[18 Apr 2009|08:57pm] |
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music |
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i wanna be adored |
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i hate you.
i hate you i hate you.
we will never be the same.
i don't want to be like you.
you're no good.
you're not anything i'd want.
go away from here.
i'm always alone.
the tulips are blooming and the trees are dripping buds. i'm burrowing further and further from all of that.
the sunlight makes me sad.
i moved everything around today. i stubbed my foot against the old tv under my desk. i didn't notice it for awhile, but eventually looked down to see blood and ragged, broken nail. i used to think that moving furniture somehow made life suddenly new and different. i don't feel that way now. not at all.
i'm worried about responsibilities.
i'm always worried about the wrong decisions.
all of my bad choices.
i ruminate over people who chase me, the boys i hiss at and hide from.
or the ones i anger or scare away. why do i think about them so much?
i'm the one who pushes everyone away.
it's all very pointless.
poor me, so lonely.
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| no one deserves it |
[16 Apr 2009|10:25pm] |
life is full of little holes. they make our lives very drafty.
it's hard to get warm.
little mouse holes.
or big holes. canyons to drop into, and some people you see are just free-falling until they hit the bottom.
no one seems happy. everyone i know seems to want. they're not greedy or gluttonous. the people i love just want love. it seems that's too much to ask. life is so needlessly complicated. everything seems to have gotten twisted in this world.
my parents came for a visit, now they've left. it's nice to be alone again, but i miss them.
i planned to move, but now i'm staying put. i feel very mixed.
there are changes. i'm trying for some changes.
full belly.
no sheets.
disconnected,
wandering forlornly.
whatchu gonna do?
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| rusted |
[06 Apr 2009|11:05pm] |
I hate mornings.
The alley and mudtracks and garbage. Running along 12th because I'm always late. Early bird people with little dogs as prisoners. The city opens up at the huge lot, and the wind blows plastic bags and scraps of paper. There's an abandoned shopping cart that's been there since the end of January. Last week there was a baby stroller flipped over the curb. Beer bottles. A flier about the apocalypse and I want to write something funny on it but I can't find the permanent marker in my bag. I bend down and shake the bottles perched on the curb and think about tasting dirty old beer. I think of collecting it and selling it. I could collect everything I see.
It's always gray. No one pays any attention to me.
Sometimes I pray while I wait for the bus.
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| oh |
[31 Mar 2009|09:52pm] |
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i'm lonely. but this time, just alone.
i took a pill. part of a pill.
i'm anxious and tired and stressed and sad.
i don't understand anything.
unfair.
i don't know.
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[27 Mar 2009|07:53pm] |
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bloated and weird.
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| oh you awful person |
[20 Mar 2009|12:03pm] |
i'll just let the tears drip.
i didn't want to deal with anything anymore so i went to the doctor on monday. i kept going back, for counseling, for worried faces. i trudged back and forth with a pale face, trying to look miserable. so they'd believe me? i'm certainly miserable. but just then i simply felt blank.
everything is falling apart.
every little dream.
i missed a whole week of work. i hope i get fired. i wish i'd never go back. but the future just looks empty.
i do not know what to do. i do not know what to do.
last night i got too drunk and had a huge fight with chais. he called me a schemer and a manipulator. he spewed a lot of hurtful things. i was shocked. i'm so hard on myself, i always blame myself, but in this situation, he was just wrong.
i walked home 20 blocks at 5 AM and cried on the bridge over ravenna park for someone to come and save me.
i do not know what to do.
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| what's your dream? |
[15 Mar 2009|02:27pm] |
"my dream is that somebody would come along and think that i was special.
that they'd want to come and change my life for me.
that's my dream."
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[06 Mar 2009|11:33pm] |
grimy old buildings in a big city.
covered in dirt. they're starting to rot.
no one has been loving them.
no one wants to live in them.
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| just an insect |
[11 Feb 2009|11:17pm] |
it's late.
you drank too much.
you're silly.
it doesn't matter. it's all spiraling down and out.
you can believe whatever silly things you want.
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| sometimes it's like |
[08 Feb 2009|12:23am] |
| [ |
mood |
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thirst |
] |
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music |
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i'm on fire - bat for lashes |
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i'm so small.
i don't want these things that are placed in front of me.
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| no fight |
[25 Jan 2009|01:11am] |
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ah, i'm very lonely.
i'm going to pray for other people tonight.
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